Thinking About a new chapter? Get ready for some discomfort.

After supporting people through career and life transitions for 15 years one thing is clear to me, it is a process that can not be rushed, but it can be easier.  When we go through transitions we go through phases, and these phases are predictably uncomfortable.

Preparing for the Retreat Phase

The retreat phase is an important phase that is not to be rushed.  It is when you are a caterpillar turning into a butterfly. You must retreat or cocoon before you can transform.  At this point your heart and soul start to give you little signs that you want something different.  You start to dream of a new life, and you desire change.  But, at this point your identity, body and nervous system wants to remain the same.  It is wired for your current life. If you have been a CEO then you are used to adrenalin and pressure and that constant feeling of demands and responsibility pulling at you.  In some ways it is energizing.  In other ways draining.  In all cases, it is known.

In the retreat phase, people often start to do mini experiments (whether consciously or not).  They might take an extended vacation or start saying no to things that they habitually have said say yes to.  As they do this, the body often reacts.  For example, when people take an extended vacation for the first time and start to unwind they either get sick, or restless energy comes up just when they imagined they would be unwinding. 

Even though you might want to slow down in the retreat phase, it’s important to acknowledge that you likely will have to suffer through a nervous system recalibration to get there.   Our minds and body get programmed from our daily thoughts, beliefs and habits. You have to gently loosen your programming.  As you re-calibrate your thoughts, perceptions and how you see the next phase of your transition will start to shift.  As you experience restlessness, you don’t need to dramatize it, or identify with it.

If you deny this phase, skip it, or just keep staying the course despite your inner knowing, you will start to likely get anxiety or feel despondent.  A heaviness will emerge.  “Ugh, I really don’t want to sign up for this strategic plan (again).”

If you over-obsess about the discomfort, you will make it harder than it needs to be.  “I don’t want to be bored!” I better activate 10 new projects.”

Or, you might flip flop. “Am I staying or am I going?  Everyone around you will be confused about your intentions.

How to Move Through It

The sweet spot is:

Notice it.

Name it.

Allow It.

Then lower the importance of the feeling and keep moving in the direction you want to create, methodically and consistently.

And, importantly, start to create a vision for what you want next.  Create a picture of the future you want to create.  Write down what you want life to look 10 years from now.  Gut out a 5 year plan.  Make a vision board.  Write your epitaph.  Do whatever works to start to get a glimpse of the future pulling at you.

When the discomfort shows up perceive it as growing pains.  Say to yourself:  This is exactly the sign that I am on the right track.  View it as a logical extension of your transition plan, not a feeling you have to avoid or run away from.

The next phase is where you start to design a life that feels more in alignment with who you are becoming and what you desire at this point in your journey. 

The retreat phase is only temporary and it is only “hard” when you make it serious in your mind.  Your new chapter isn’t abut bypassing this phase.  It’s about aligning yourself to it.  If you are finding it hard to get started with your new chapter, it’s likely you are hanging on too tightly to some thing.  Loosen the grip. Choose something else. It’s okay to be bored or restless.  It’s temporary.